Well, Big Don. You did it. You won the big chair. It’s time to put on some big boy pants and act like an adult who understands the situation you’re now in. You’ve just become my President Elect, soon to actually be my President. That’s right – *my* President. I’m not happy about it. It’s a lot like getting Cruella DeVille as your new adoptive mother. Still, he’s been elected and, so, here we are.
That said, there are some conditions you should know about that might give me, and possibly other Americans, some glimmer of hope rather than wishing for a giant meteor to destroy the Earth. These are not in any particular order ’cause I’m really tired and my thinker is wibbly.
1) Humanity over corporations. Period. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then just peel back the fake human mask and reveal the Lizard Person that people have started to say you are. I didn’t say *I* thought you were a lizard person. Your eyes don’t blink in the correct direction.
2) America has always been great, even if you were too myopic to notice — don’t try to fix what isn’t broken. Just…ease off the accelerator, Sparky. There ARE things that are wrong, but your 100 day “plan” looks like a recipe for civil war, so, um…let’s not, yeah? Bring in your big thinky advisors and look at the big picture rather than telling your new constituency what you think they want to hear.
3) Fix what’s broken. And, no, that’s not the ACA. It’s not immigration. It’s not gay marriage. If you can’t figure out what it is, when I’m not dead tired, I’ll fill you in. If you fly me in, we can discuss it, in person. I’m down for that. You in?
4) Treat people with respect. You’re in a position where people are watching you — a lot of people, some of whom have nuclear arsenals. Let’s not say something off-the-cuff to get us wiped off the globe, ‘k?
5) Women matter. Reproductive health matters. Access to Planned Parenthood really is a good thing. Just ask Mr. Pence what the elimination of Planned Parenthood did for Indiana. Hint — it involved a dramatic rise in HIV cases and LOT of STDs. Yay, Gonorrhea!
6) Hell, let’s be frank — your plans to repeal gay marriage and the ACA will destroy so many American lives it’s almost unfathomable. Is THAT how an American leader leads? If you promise to bring America together, then let’s start by not immediately tearing it apart. No good will come of this.
7) You’re going to have to sit on your hands when you give speeches. I’m getting more dizzy than with Herbert Walker. (This is more or less tongue-in-cheek, but really…reign it in a little, please.)
8) For the love of all that’s holy in this world, *stick to the script.* You’re going to have speech writers who will get paid a LOT of money to make sure you say all the right things. You know why people poked fun at W? When he went off-script, well, it was kinda train-wrecky, at times. Oh, and keep the swearing to a minimum. While the 12-15 year-old white male demographic thinks it’s cool and funny to drop the “F-bomb” on something that will be seen by billions, those of us with a higher than 6th grade education (since studies show your speeches were delivered at a 6th grade level…just going with the stats, man) think it’s a bit crass for the leader of the free world.
9) Stop spreading fear. Just forget about your wall. Forget about the idea that it’s the undocumented that are making the problems in the US. Remember, they paid more in Federal Taxes than you did.
10) Eschew the associations with the KKK and neo-Nazi groups. Now. Before people start asking a lot of hard questions like, “Does this mean you support these domestic terror groups?” You know…those kinda questions. Just do everyone a favor and tell David Duke to shove it where the sun don’t shine. It’ll be easier to not be labeled “racist,” “Hitler,” whatever the kids are calling you, these days. Remember – unifying the country, not tearing it apart.
11) If you’re itching to repeal something, repeal the Patriot Act. Since most of it has been deigned unconstitutional by various and sundry courts, I’m not sure anyone would be terribly sad to see it go. All the gee-whizzery from the NSA existed before, it just wasn’t put into law to legitimize the complete disregard for our citizenry or the constitution. The time and energy would be MUCH better spend shoring up the absolutely porous governmental computing systems. You wouldn’t have had 1/2 the ammo for this campaign if people knew how to set up proper intrusion countermeasures and were given the budget to implement it. So, you know…before someone gets into *your* emails.
12) Don’t make the mistake of galvanizing *all* the terror groups outside the US by trying something as foolish as deporting “all the Muslims” from the US. You want to know why certain segments of the world’s population hate the US? Do that and you won’t have to wonder, anymore. Again – and you may sense a theme – UNIFY the country, don’t tear it apart.
13) Don’t keep stoking the xenophobic fires. Aside from San Bernadino, you know how many of the acts of terror on US soil were actually perpetuated by actual Muslims and not freak-pie, radicalized pretend Muslims? Hey – I said *aside* from San Bernadino (bearing in mind they were US citizens…). One, and he probably qualifies as “freak-pie” and/or “radicalized.” In the *history of terror attacks on US soil,* only one. And that was the Florida night club, last year. So how’s about this – worry about our domestic terror groups (you know, the ones you’ve not distanced yourself from) and stop putting into every easily influenced American’s mind that Muslim == terrorist. If the logic is that “it could be any one of ‘them’,” then, by all means, let’s deport all the domestic terror threats starting with the KKK, the Aryan Brotherhood, oh, wait – does that mean any white American could be a terrorist. Damn it. And here I was thinking we were supposed to feel safer. So, see – we need to unify our country, be a little less panicky and judgey and lot more in tune with what the underlying causes of the unrest are, motives for terror attacks are and all that jazz and start working on THOSE problems rather than causing more by just being weirdly focused on one group. Oh, and I don’t want to hear “most terror attacks ARE carried out by Muslims!” Why not? Because they’re carried out in bloody Iraq, or Afghanistan, you know…countries where Islam is the primary religion. We’re not condemning the Jewish people in the US based on the actions of Isreal and Palestine, are we? Are we?
14) Nuclear war is not something to joke about. Ever. It’s not something to even consider. Ever. It’s the global equivalent of saying “BOMB!” in an airport, nowadays. You may have a death wish, but I do not and I’d prefer you not make THAT decision for me. Okeydoke? The Cold War sucked. Big time. Let’s not fire that up, again. Oh, wait —
15) Putin is NOT your friend. Remember that. You, at this point, my good sir, are his puppet. He played this election like a “harp from hell” to borrow a phrase from our favorite unhinged denizen of the cold and dark, Oswald Cobblepot. So, just remember, when he says he’s looking to “renew relations with the US” after you take office, that’s a clever euphemism for “test the waters and see how easily you can be manipulated.” Trust me. Who do you think paid the hackers who gave you the emails that submarined HRC? So. Does this mean that as soon as you start to look like a strong leader, you’re going to get torpedoed, too? If I were a betting man, I’d almost guarantee it. Don’t let that happen. We already have relations with Putin and his pals. There’s no need to give him the keys to the White House.
16) I mentioned that ACA above. Despite what you and far too many people with not enough Google skills believe, the ACA isn’t what’s driving up insurance premiums. It’s a two-pronged attack on American healthcare being perpetrated by Big Pharma and douche canoes like Pharma Bro who think that’s it’s just good business to price an important drug out of the range of those who need it most – and that’s not capitalism, it’s being a shithead. The other side of this two-pronged attack comes from the other unregulated entity, the insurance companies. With a CEO pulling down $66K A FREAKING HOUR, I’m pretty sure keeping the premiums a little lower won’t hurt the insurance companies more than the drain of their CEO’s greed. Americans want to know why their premiums went up – well, you need to tell them, “Because of the insurance industry’s unmitigated greed.” So, instead of repealing the ACA, how’s about looking into regulating the insurance industry and their routine fucking over of the common citizen and come up with ways to modify and massage the ACA into something both good for the people and acceptable to the people who think that everything’s Obama’s fault.
17) Alternative energy sources are your friends, and not the invisible ones that throw tea parties in the attic at night. Instead of promising the coal industry a return to black-lunged glory, why not invest that same money in not only green(er) energy, but workplace training for those workers who could then work in the green energy industry and, perhaps, not die of black lung, and pensions for those old enough that workplace training really isn’t an option who will, odds are good, need to look into what the ACA offers. You know, take care of Americans AND not completely hose up the environment. If you keep insisting on this Fracking crap, that Midwest that helped you carry the vote is going to sink into the crust of the earth just because Big Oil has its claws so deep into our political system – the one you said you’re going to completely turn on its ear. So, seriously, dude. Call up Elon Musk, have a sit down, and come to understand that Big Oil is only in it for themselves and don’t give two shits about you or our country.
There are more. I am too tired to come up with them. Bottom line? Don’t fuck this up. I know…I got on you for “strong language.” But, seriously…as much as I want to, I can’t hope for you to fail, utterly, because that would take down the country I love and believe in. I can, however, hope that you come to understand what it *really* means to be President of the United States and look at it with the seriousness it deserves.